I know that I’m being dramatic that I’ll probably be alone for the rest of my life at the age of 21. Everyone says that I’m too young to cut myself short or the “one” will come when I least expect it. If I was happily married and older, I would probably say the same thing. However, I’m not in the same time zone as them. I’m 21 and forever alone.
I’m not completely alone. I do have friends and family that makes my life amazing. I go out almost every weekend, fill my life with fun, and I’m learning how to be happy as a single woman. This is the first time I’ve been happy and single since I was 16. I forgotten how it felt like to have no burdens, anxiety, or expectations for anyone but myself. It’s liberating and lonely.
I don’t like feeling that I’m not wanted by someone else. I want someone I can see myself marrying and spending my life with in the future. I want to be young and in love. I just want to know if I’ll ever find someone who’ll complement my lonely. I don’t want much but someone I can enjoy being around and who will treat me right as a human being. I want respect, love, and commitment but I’m not desperate for it.
No, I used to be desperate and willing to date anyone who thought I was worthy. I didn’t think I was worthy enough for anyone, so I settled for the mediocre. I can happily say that I will never make that same mistake again. I value myself enough to wait for someone who’s worth my time.
Sometimes, as a young 21 year old in college, I still wonder if I’ll ever find someone who’ll find me worthy. Someone who actually enjoys my company and likes me enough to make a commitment. Someone who doesn’t “ghost” and someone who I can relate to on a intimate level. I wonder how that feels and I envy those who have love like that in their lives. I’m happy for those couples but the pang of loneliness is still there at midnights. It’s still lurking when I least expect it.
I’m happy and alone, but I would like to like another person. I would like more than just a friend, I would like a life partner. From this phase of my life, all I see is that I’m forever alone at 21. Maybe the years after that will blossom more into the love I crave as an adult woman. I truly hope that one day, I find someone amazing.
And I hope all of you do, too.
~from my thoughts at midnight~