The last few days have been rough. So many thoughts have been swirling in my mind that I feel like I can’t control them. Sometimes, I feel like I’m on top of the world. Sometimes I’m able to handle everything at one time and feel like a superhero. Other times, I’m crippled in my anxiety and depression. Life isn’t too hard, I know, but I still don’t feel happy.
Before I depress you all with my self-loathing and emotions, let me just tell you its not the end of the world. I’m somehow managing feeling lonely and sad. I eat junk food trying to offset the sadness I feel while walking alone in the library looking for books related to the Delano Grape Strike and trying to smile at passing classmates. Sometimes, I see a friendly smile here and there. It’s nice but short lived. I just don’t feel like I matter too much. In these moments, I know I need to carry on and be brave for my friends and family who are in my life. I need to be strong and independent, but why do I feel so lonely?
I don’t want to come across as needy and annoying. I don’t want to text my friends and ask for their presence only because I feel like I need a warm body. I don’t want my friends to think that and I don’t want to burden them. But these feelings I have are real. They are there, making me feel weak and broken down before I go to bed. Making me feel like I don’t matter and I’ll never achieve everything I want to in life. It’s like I’m dragging my feet just to survive. I’m trying so hard to look functional and healthy.
In the times I feel normal and happy, I feel unstoppable. I feel like I can handle the pain and bear a friendly smile. It feels nice to be happy and positive. It feels great to be able to make someone’s day but I struggle with mine on a daily basis. The last few days, I’ve just been falling apart. I feel like I’m losing friends and its breaking my heart. I feel like my family doesn’t recognize me. I feel alone and worthless. What do I do about it?
I try to choke down my sadness and gulp down a glass of fresh water. I try to exercise when I feel the strength to do so and carry on. I try to manage myself the best way I can. I still go to class, work, and volunteer. I’m really trying to do better. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want another anxiety attack, and I don’t want to die.
BUT. These feelings are crippling. I’m trying to distract myself but the thoughts are so hard. How long can I keep fighting this?
I’ll keep on fighting because it’s a matter of survival.