Do you know how anxiety feels like? Or, is it just an excuse that people use to avoid getting a job, going out with friends, arriving late, or not answering the phone? Whatever your opinion is on depression and anxiety, it’s important to talk about it. Even if you haven’t experienced extreme anxiety, at least try to understand it.
For me, my symptoms are horrible. I constantly think the worst of situations, assume my family and friends hate me, and I cry nonstop. I can’t control how I’m reacting and my mind plays dirty tricks on me. I know I’m overreacting, irrational, and need to “chill out.” I know as an adult I need to learn to manage this excess worry and swallow it down into the depths of childhood. I need to abandon anxiety. It makes me do and say things I regret later on. I makes me feel afraid to be around certain people, it makes me feel childish and weak, and sound like a crazy person. I know I’m not crazy, I’m just in anxiety hell.
My heart beats rapidly, my breaths get shorter, and my eyes leak tears like an empty facet. My thoughts are stupid and I just feel even more stupid for needing someone to vent to about my problems. No one wants be negative Nancy or “dump” problems on another person to bear when they have their own life. But, who do I reach out to in these unsettling times where I feel like I lost my sanity? Who do I go to when I’m falling apart and I can’t stop crying? These feelings are overwhelming and my body is reacting strangely to the stress.
I’m starting to develop digestive problems. My stomach hurts and sometimes I feel nauseous. Sometimes, my anxiety feels too overwhelming that I start to throw up. My negative thoughts turn on me physically and I constantly wonder what’s wrong with me.
Mentally, my anxiety is turning into depression. I hate how it loves to control my life and makes me seem dependent. I don’t do this for attention, yet its the attention I crave to make it through another anxiety attack or constant worry. Its a need for me to have someone I know I can trust to cry out to, to give me a hug, and tell me life gets better. It’s knowing who my true friends are and who’s there for me in the long run.
I want to be a good friend but anxiety and depression makes me feel like a toxic person. I push friends and family away so I don’t inflict unintentional worry or stress into their lives. I feel so much guilt and stress that I’m causing more distress for my friends and family, which induces more anxiety. I hate this cycle, sometimes I just wish they could understand that I don’t mean to be this way. I don’t want my anxiety/depression to be the reason that people dislike me. I try so hard to be kind and empathetic. To listen, instead of talk about my problems, but I know loving me is no easy task.
For those suffering with anxiety/depression, just know you have someone who understands what you’re going through and you’re not alone. You’re a lot stronger than this darkness that tells you you’re not good enough, you’re better off dead, and that people hate you. The truth is that you’re loved and cherished. Your life matters and you need to let people help you. It’s okay to cry and melt down every once in awhile. It’s okay to not understand the very thing that’s stealing your joy.
Anxiety/Depression sucks, but you are a beautiful human being.
Let’s stay strong together,