After a week of not being able to express my feelings, I finally fell apart again because of financial and family stress. I have always battled with depression and anxiety for years and didn’t understand why my brain malfunctions and overexaggerates its perception of the world around me. Instead of using my time wisely to contemplate logical and productive ways to manage my stress, my vision becomes clouded in a mental fog I can’t get out of by myself. Everything scares me and becomes too mentally challenging. It’s hard to get up in the morning, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, and put on clothes. It’s hard doing daily chores and it feels like I’m just dragging my body out of a coffin.
I was trying to manage everything by exercising and it helps a bit. I love going to the gym or the track to run. To workout and release the tension to balance out my moods. However, nothing seems realistic when I’m in this state of anxiety. I feel like I’m dissociating everything about myself. I don’t know who I am, I’m not worthy for anyone, and I’m just a waste of space. In this mental fog, I just don’t know who I am anymore.
When I take the antidepressants that’s prescribed to me, I feel better. I feel the fog has dissipated into thin air and I can see the situations in a positive light again. It feels amazing and I’m able to function again. But when I foolishly stop the medication because I feel “better” or forget to take it, my moods go out of control. I’m moody and unable to function normally. Everything and everyone hates me and those are traumatizing feelings to digest in the psyche.
I know its up to me to be responsible about my mental health and to take the medication prescribed to me. It’s about learning how to manage my moods and to become more resilient in bouncing back from the debilitating anxiety. I just have to climb my way out again and again until I’m fully strong enough to handle it on my own.